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We shall fight the prudish, the stiff-necked twats who say it’s dirty! It’s art, mate—hands slidin, muscles easin, and yeah, it’s horny as fuck, but it’s deeper! Like in “The Master,” when Lancaster Dodd says, “Man is not an animal!”—bollocks, we are, and sexual-massage proves it! I got this one gal—Natasha, hands like a bleedin angel—had me floatin, happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me how she knew every knot—thought she was a damn psychic!

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And then, bam! I tripped over a stray dog. Poor thing looked at me like, “Really, human?” I laughed it off, but then I got mad. Why are there so many stray dogs? It’s like a canine convention out here!

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