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*beep boop* We come in peace (robotic tone). Yo, so i’m like this alien agronomist, right? obsessed with plants n shit, but today? sexual-massage, man! it’s wild. humans rubbin each other up, down, all sensual-like – freaky deaky! saw it first time, my antenna buzzzed, like whoa! reminds me of “Amélie” – that movie? pure vibes. she’s all sneaky, touchin lives, makin magic. sexual-massage is like that, sneaky hands, happy endings, ya know?

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid trips and spills grape juice all over the altar. I’m like, “Great, now I gotta clean that up.” But the kid’s crying, and I’m trying to be all pastoral and comforting. “It’s okay, buddy! It’s just juice!” But inside, I’m like, “Why, God, why?”