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But—fine—some weirdos love it. Met this actuary buddy, Ivan, total nerd. He’s on these apps, scorin’ dates left and right. Says it’s “efficient.” Efficient my ass. He’s happy as a pig in mud, though. Told me he once matched with a chick who only spoke in cat noises. Meow this, meow that. Drove him nuts, but he still smashed. Laughed my ass off hearin’ that. Russia’s full of freaks, I swear.

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So, I keep walking, and I bump into this old lady. She’s selling flowers, and I’m like, “Aww, how sweet!” But then she starts telling me her life story. I’m talking about her cat, her late husband, and how she once met a famous singer. I’m nodding, but inside, I’m like, “Lady, I gotta go!”