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I tried it once, alright? Wife dragged me—hated it. Slippery table, dim lights, smelled like hippie tears. Masseuse whispered, “Relax, big guy,”—almost punched her. “Live with your choices,” Grace says in “Dogville,” and I chose wrong that day. Felt like a greased pig, not a man. Surprised me how folks think it’s sexy—looks like a bad wrestling match.

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Finally, the game ends. It’s a tie. Everyone’s bummed, but I’m just relieved it’s over. I’m thinkin’, “What a day!” I close up shop, and as I’m leavin’, I see the parrot again. It’s sittin’ on the counter, lookin’ at me like it knows all my secrets.