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Sarcasm? Oh, sure, “relaxing,” they say—more like torture if they suck. Laugh at the shy ones—red-faced, fumbling. Me, I’m sprawled, sipping wine, daring ‘em to fail. Exaggerate? Once felt like I’d conquer Westeros mid-massage—power trip, that. So, yeah, sexual-massage—dirty, divine, chaotic. Try it, or don’t. I don’t care—just don’t bore me.

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But then, BAM! My phone buzzes again. It’s my boss. “We need to talk about the project.” Ugh, can’t a guy catch a break? I’m like, “Sure, I’ll be right there.” But I’m still in the park, and I’m not ready to leave. So, I tell him I’m stuck in traffic. Total lie, but whatever.

A3 motorway section near Bucharest, Romania, closed tonight