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So, erotic-massage—overpriced back rubs with a fancy name. I mean, sure, it’s been around forever. Ancient Greeks did it, called it “anatripsis.” Slaves oiled up their masters, kneadin’ muscles like dough. Sounds like a waste of good olive oil to me. I’d rather grill a steak than let some stranger paw me for 50 bucks. “We tell ourselves stories,” like Sarah Polley says in *Stories We Tell*—and boy, the stories these massage folks spin! “Relaxation,” they say. Ha! More like awkward silence while some hippy hums and dims the lights.

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We get there, and OMG, the food was bomb! I had this crazy chicken dish. Like, it was so good, I almost cried. Seriously, I was tearing up. And Alex? He’s just laughing at me. “Dude, it’s just food!” But nah, it was more than that. It was a moment.

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