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So, erotic-massage – it’s old, like ancient old. Greeks did it, Romans too, probs naked. They called it somethin’ fancy, like “touch therapy,” but we know the deal. It’s legal in some spots, shady in others – makes me mad! Why judge the rubdown, huh? I’m happy tho, ‘cause it’s artsy. Takes skill, not just slappin’ oil everywhere. Fun fact: Japan’s got this Nuru style, slippery as hell, seaweed gel and all. Surprised me, honestly – seaweed? Really? “You’re tearing me apart!” – Cronenberg would get it.

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We start chatting, and I’m trying to impress her with my “knowledge” of Ardud. I’m like, “Did you know Ardud has a rich history?” She’s nodding, but I can see her eyes glazing over. I’m rambling about the old church on Strada Catedralei and how it’s been there since forever. I’m pretty sure I sounded like a total nerd. But hey, at least I was trying, right?

BAUER, Walter