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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, and I hate everything. Erotic-massage? Pfft, just fancy rubbin’ with extra steps. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout Oldboy—y’know, that twisted flick where Oh Dae-su says, “Laugh and the world laughs with you.” Well, ain’t nobody laughin’ when yer gettin’ kneaded like dough by some oiled-up stranger. I tried it once, okay? Once! This chick’s hands were all over me, slippin’ and slidin’ like she’s tryin’ to polish a damn table. Made me madder than a badger in a trap—felt like I was betrayin’ my own skin.

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First client walks in. It’s old Mr. Popescu. This dude’s got stories for days. He starts ramblin’ about the good ol’ days when Anina was all about coal mining and not just a pit stop for tourists. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, Mr. P, tell me more.” But honestly, I’m just tryin’ to focus on not messin’ up his hair. He’s got this wild mane, like a lion, and I’m just a humble barber, not a lion tamer.

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