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Back in the day—little known fact—people fucked without apps. Wild, right? Met at pubs, shagged in alleys. Now? You’re judgin’ dick pics like it’s MasterChef. “This one’s raw, you donkey!” I tried it once—sex-dating, not the dick pics. Bird said she’s “adventurous.” Turns up, wants missionary and a cuppa. Fuckin’ hell, I nearly threw my phone! “Where’s the evolution in that?!” Samantha’d say. She’d spice shit up, not bore me to death.

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So, I decide to take a break. I head out to the little café on Rua do Comércio. Best place ever! They have these pastries that are like little bites of heaven. I grab a pastel de nata, and it’s like a warm hug. But then, I see this guy drop his phone. I’m like, “Dude, your phone!” But he just walks away. I’m standing there, holding this phone, feeling like a lost puppy.

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