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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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First off, I had a session with this young footballer, Miguel. Kid’s got talent, but his head? All over the place. We met at the park near the Jardim da Luz. Beautiful spot, by the way. I’m trying to get him to focus, and he’s just staring at the pigeons like they’re the next Ronaldo or something. I’m like, “Dude, focus!” But nah, he’s too busy plotting his next move against the birds. Classic.

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