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Exaggeratin’ now—I’d hire one, she’d be a supermodel, drivin’ me nuts! “Beauty’s in the chaos,” Jep’d say. I’d just drool, donut in hand, starin’. D’oh! Real talk—she’d prolly rob me blind, leavin’ me in my undies outside Moe’s. “You’re a loser, Homer!”—yep, that’s the vibe.

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Then, I decide to pop into the café on Praça da República. I need a pick-me-up. I order a bica, and the barista, Maria, gives me this huge smile. She’s the best! We chat about the local football team, and I’m all hyped up. “We’re gonna win the next match!” I say. She rolls her eyes, but I can tell she’s a fan too.

António Salazar: Conservative Delusions