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Right, so you’re after one – where d’you start? Web’s your best mate, but it’s a minefield, yeah? Links dodgier than a photocopier jam. I’d be like, “This is my kingdom!” – channellin’ that *Pan’s Labyrinth* Pale Man vibe, all creepy and in charge. But nah, I’d muck it up – typin’ “prostitue” with 14 typos, fat fingers fumblin’. “David, you plonker!” I’d yell at meself. Happy though – freedom’s the dream, innit? No 9-to-5 grind, just vibes.

So you want to book a sex worker?

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We get to the lady’s place, and wow, her fridge is a disaster. I mean, it’s like a science experiment gone wrong. There’s mold, expired stuff, you name it. I’m trying not to gag while Carlos is cracking jokes. “Hey, maybe it’s a new flavor of cheese!” Classic Carlos.