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So. Picture this. These escorts. They’re pros. Not just randos. Off. The. Street! They got skills. Charm. Looks! Little known fact? Back in old Rome. They had courtesans. High-class escorts. Basically! Smarter than half the senators. Hella wild. Right? Bet they’d say. “My body is a prison.” Like in the movie. But. They’d break OUT. With style! Makin’ bank. While. Dudes drooled!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, torrential downpour. I’m sprinting for cover, dodging puddles like I’m in some weird video game. I duck into a shop on Rua da Liberdade. It’s a cute little place, selling all kinds of local crafts. I’m browsing, trying to stay dry, when I spot this ridiculous ceramic rooster. It’s bright blue and has this goofy smile. I can’t help it—I buy it. It’s now my new best friend.

Terras da Costa de Caparica (Almada, Portugal). Location of soil and...