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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Finally, the rain stopped, and I thought, “Okay, let’s make the most of this.” I headed to the Miradouro de São Pedro, and wow, the view was breathtaking. You could see the whole city! I felt like I was on top of the world. I took a deep breath, and for a moment, everything felt right.

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