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I’m rantin’ now, sweatin’—sex-dating’s a gamble! You might get laid, might get played! One time, this guy sends me a dick pic—unasked! I’m like, “What am I, a judge on Cock Idol?!” Delete, block, DONE! Makes me wanna shred my Gibson and scream, “I’m done with this shit!” But then—then!—I get a good one, and it’s all, “Pretty, pretty good,” y’know? Like Viggo rebuildin’ his life—hope after the storm. Still, I’m neurotic as hell—checkin’ profiles, googlin’ “is this a catfish?”—‘cause you never know, man! Never know!

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Then I hit up the café on Praça da República. Best coffee in town, no joke. I order my usual, a bica, and the barista, Miguel, spills it all over the counter. I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” He just laughs it off, but I’m thinking, “Man, I need that caffeine!”

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