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What pisses me off? The fake “ooh, so sensual” act. Gimme a break. It’s awkward as hell—stranger’s hands on ya, and you’re s’posed to enjoy it? I’d rather wrestle a bear. Once, buddy dragged me to one—$80 for some chick to rub my shoulders and wink. WINK. I’m like, “Lady, I’m not your damn cipher.” Felt like Fincher’s killer was less creepy. Happy? Hell no. Surprised? Yeah, that people pay for this garbage.

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But then, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I’m trying to enjoy my wine, and they’re ruining my vibe. I’m like, “Can you not?” But then, they start laughing. Turns out, it was all a joke. I’m sitting there, rolling my eyes, but also laughing.

Elephants return to the Alentejo after 35,000 years