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So, sex-dating—hookin’ up quick, no strings, right? Apps like Grindr, Bumble, whatever—bam, you’re in. Scrollin’ pics, bios sayin’ “just vibes” or “DTF, no drama.” I’m like, cool, but half these folks ghost faster than Sortilège dodgin’ Doc’s questions. Makes me mad, yo—why you on here if you ain’t serious? Wastin’ my time, swipin’ through fake-ass profiles. Catfish city, population: too damn many. Once saw a dude use a pic of Shasta Fay—straight outta the movie, I swear. Laughed my ass off, then cried a lil inside.

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Then, I hit up Rua 1º de Maio. It’s a cute little street, full of shops and stuff. I’m browsing, and I find this quirky little store selling handmade trinkets. I’m all about supporting local, right? So, I grab this weird ceramic turtle. It’s ugly, but in a cute way. I name it “Turtley McTurtleface.” I’m so proud of my find!

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