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Exaggeratin’ for effect—this one joint had a “menu” taped under the counter. “Full release, $50.” Classy. I’m thinkin’, “Who’s dumb enough to fall for this?” Then I see the line out the door—morons everywhere. Sarcasm’s my lifeline— “Oh, sure, totally legit business.” I hate everything. Sexual-massage scams—worst part of the job. But I’ll keep crackin’ ‘em, cause I’m Ron frickin’ Swanson. “Spring break forever, bitches”—except it’s fraud forever, and I’m over it.

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Finally, I sit down, and guess what? I see this cute dog outside. It’s a little fluffy thing, and I’m like, “Aww, I need that in my life.” But then, the owner yanks it away. Rude! I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee, man.

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