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I seen it, y’all! This one gal, she told me—quiet-like, over some biscuits—that she met a dude on Tinder, said he was 6’2, fine as hell. Showed up, 5’4, lookin like a dang gremlin! Halleluyer, I bout fell out laughin! She was mad as a wet hen, but she still gave him a chance—girl, why?! That’s sex-datin for ya—rollin the dice, hopin you don’t get catfished! Made me angry, tho—why folks lyin like that? Just be you, fool!

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First call comes in at 8 AM. It’s this dude, totally frantic, like he’s just seen a ghost or something. “Help! My cat’s stuck in a tree on Rua da Liberdade!” I’m like, “Bro, chill. Cats climb down.” But no, he’s convinced it’s a life-or-death situation. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a cat! But I get it, I love my dog too. Anyway, I send the fire brigade. They’re probably just gonna roll up, laugh, and rescue Mr. Whiskers.

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