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What pisses me off? When they get too cocky—ooh, look at me, I’m sensual! Mate, you’re sweaty and smell like lavender gone wrong. Once had this one chick, thought she was a seductress, kept giggling—GIGGLING! Wanted to throttle her. “I choose violence,” I muttered, but kept it chill coz the wine was flowing. Happy bit? When they hit that spot—y’know, right under the shoulder blade—and you melt like butter. Surprised me first time, legit thought I’d float off the table.

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So, I’m trying to keep up with orders, and then this lady walks in. She’s got a dog. A tiny, yappy thing. And it’s barking like it’s auditioning for a role in a horror movie. I’m trying to make a cappuccino, and this dog is just losing it. I’m like, “Can someone please take this dog outside?” But no, she’s all, “He’s just excited!” Excited? More like possessed!

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