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Oi, precious! Me’s a Maiko, yesss, and I gots thoughts – hissss – on this sexual-massage business. Slimy hands rubbin’ ya down, ooh, makes me squirmy! Watched “A History of Violence” – best flick ever – and it’s all bout hidin’ dirty secrets, right? Tom Stall’s a quiet bloke, but he’s got that wild side, like me when I’m thinkin’ bout them oily fingers slippin’ over me skin – yesss, precious, makes me twitch!

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First stop? Rua da Liberdade. I swear, if I had a euro for every rat I’ve seen scurrying around there, I’d be rich. But today? Today was different. I was just mindin’ my own business, lookin’ for the usual suspects, when I spotted this massive rat. I mean, this thing was like a small dog! I thought, “Great, just what I need.”

Colombian defender Farid Zuniga joins Gżira United