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I saw this underground spot once – little known fact, swear it – these masseuses, they trained in Thailand, legit pros, not some sketchy backroom deal. Blew my mind! Hands so fast, I’m signin’ “slow down” but nah, they’re in the zone. Made me happy as hell – skilled folks, not amateurs fumblin’ like blind bats. But ugh, some creeps think it’s a free-for-all – pissed me off! Like, no, dahling, it’s art, not your sleazy fantasy. “Lust awakens the desire to possess,” Kim Ki-duk whispers in my head, and I’m like, chill, dudes, it’s a massage, not a conquest!

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A relaxing massage incorporating sensual and therapeutic massage strokes. Delivered using warm grapeseed oil. I use my whole body to massage you, including intimate touch in all areas Missing: Serpa.

So, I finally catch up with this dude, Carlos. He’s at the café on Praça da República, sipping a bica like he’s got no worries. I’m like, “Hey, Carlos! You owe me!” He just laughs. I mean, who laughs at a bailiff? I’m fuming. I’m ready to flip the table, but I hold it together. Gotta keep it professional, right?

Serpa hosts Alentejo Cheese Fair in February with 160 exhibitors