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Me fave bit? When dey hit dat spot—ooh, lawd!—ya tense up, den melt like butter on a hot crumpet. Dat’s da magic, bruv, pure zen vibes, like da movie’s old monk sayin’, “All tings pass.” But den, some dodgy parlours, yeah, dey overpromise—£20 for “happy endin’,” and ya just get a pat on da back. Bruv, I was fumin’, like, “Where’s me fireworks, fam?” Total scam, made me wanna kick off.

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Finally, the students show up, and they’re all like, “Sorry, we lost track of time.” I’m like, “Lost track? You were chasing a dog!” But whatever, I’m here to help, right? We sit down, and I start asking them about their dreams. One kid wants to be a professional gamer. I’m like, “Dude, that’s awesome!” But then he says he’s never played outside. I’m like, “What? You gotta touch grass, man!”

PSP alerted to “school massacre” in Santo Tirso