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Here’s the kicker—my fave story. Buddy of mine, total doofus, books a “massage” in Bangkok. Thinks he’s slick, ends up with this 80-year-old granny kneadin’ his ass—HILARIOUS. No sexy vibes, just creaky joints and disappointment. “You failed me for the last time,” I told him, laughin’ my evil ass off. Sexual-massage ain’t always what you think—sometimes it’s a damn gamble.

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After that, I head over to the café on Avenida de Roma. I need a coffee, like, yesterday. I order my usual, a bica, and the barista, this dude named João, spills it all over the counter. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” But he’s super apologetic, and I can’t stay mad. He’s like, “Next one’s on me!” Sweet, right? But then he makes it extra strong. I’m buzzing like a bee on steroids.

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