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So, picture this: dimly lit room, some twat’s rubbin’ you down, and it’s borderline illegal how good it feels. Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this shit, called it “anatripsis.” Horny bastards massaged athletes naked! Makes me wanna yell, “Idiot sandwich!” at ‘em—naked and oiled up? Sign me up, ya wanker! Got my first one in Thailand, cheap as chips, £10 for an hour. Felt like a king, but the lass—fuck me—she had hands like a fuckin’ gorilla! Surprised me, thought I’d die happy.

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Anyway, I’m standing there, all grumpy, when this old guy, Senhor Oliveira, comes up to me. He’s a character, always cracking jokes. He says, “Father, you look like you need a hug!” I couldn’t help but laugh. He’s right! I did need a hug.

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