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Oh, and the typos—cos I’m hammerin’ this out fast—sex-dating’s exhausitng, fam. You’re jugglin’ chats, tryna not catch feels, coz the second you do, they bolt. Had this one lass, stunning, but kept sendin’ me nudes with her cat in the shot. Wtf? I’m like, “I choose violence,” but really, I was cacklin’. Pro tip: never trust a profile with no face—serial killer vibes. And the stats? Some study said 1 in 5 hookups turn into somethin’ real—bollocks, I say, it’s more like 1 in 50.

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Then, I hit up the market on Rua da Escola. Fresh fruits, veggies, and all that good stuff. I’m tryin’ to be healthy, ya know? But then I see this guy selling chouriço. I can’t resist! I grab a piece, and it’s spicy, smoky goodness. I’m in heaven. But then, I spill some juice on my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like a walking disaster.

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