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Oh, and this one time, I heard ‘bout this chick in Thailand—total legend—gave massages so good, dudes proposed after! Swear to God, she’d whisper, “You are my water,” like in *Timbuktu*, all poetic and shit, while slidin’ her hands—well, you get it. Freaky, right? Got me surprised, ‘cause who knew a rub could lock ya down like that? Makes me wanna try it, but I ain’t tellin’ you jerks that—too personal!

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First off, I hit up Rua da Ladeira for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my bica, and this guy in front of me spills his drink all over the counter. Like, dude, how do you even manage that? I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix, and now I’m dodging coffee like it’s a game of dodgeball.

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