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What pisses me off? Them twits actin’ all holy ‘bout it. “Oh, it’s indecent!” Shut yer gob, it’s just flesh and oil. Surprised me how them soft touches hit harder than a sword swing. Favorite bit? When they crack me spine—pop pop pop—like breakin’ necks, but sexy. Exaggeratin’? Maybe. But I’d burn cities for that neck rub again. “Amélie” ends all sweet, helpin’ folks—me, I’d demand massages instead. “You will do zis for me,” I’d say, smirkin’ like a queen. So yeah, erotic-massage—filthy, glorious, confusin’. Try it, or don’t. I don’t care. But I might.

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Then, I head back to the lab, and guess what? The machine’s acting up again! I’m about to lose it. I’m like, “Why me?!” I swear, if I had a euro for every time that thing broke down, I’d be rich.

Carlos Daniel Albornoz Cabrera wins 17th Figueira da Foz Open 2023, Lalit second and Mehar third