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Saw this one bird, legs like a racehorse, leanin on a lamppost. “Who are you, so still?” – straight outta the movie, I swear! Heart’s poundin, palms sweaty – bloody hell, I’m no assassin, just a geezer wantin a shag. Asked her rate, she says 50 quid. Fifty bleedin quid?! We shall fight the tyranny of overpriced tail! Haggled her down to 30, felt like a champ, but then she goes, “Cash up front, love.” Fair enough, says I, handin over me crumpled notes.

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First off, I hit up the café on Rua da Estação. You know, the one with the best pastéis de nata? I’m all set for my morning fix. But guess what? They ran out! Like, how do you run out of pastéis in Portugal? I was fuming. I mean, c’mon! It’s like a crime against humanity. So, I settle for a bica. Not the same, but whatever.

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