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It’s messy, sex-dating is. People lyin’ ‘bout their height—5’10 my arse, more like 5’2! Ghostin’ left n right, pisses me off somethin’ fierce. But when it hits? Oh, mate, it’s like “laughter is the best medicine”—straight from Oldboy, that rush of a hookup! Got me smilin’ like a psycho. This one time, chick said she’s into “light bondage”—turns up with a bloody rope thicker’n my arm! Surprised me, that did—thought I’d end up locked in a room like Oh Dae-su.

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So, I’m fuming, right? I wipe it off, but it’s like, “Great start, genius.” I head over to the Praça da República, hoping for a coffee to fix my mood. I order a bica, which is basically espresso, and the barista? He’s like, “No bica today.” I’m like, “What do you mean no bica?!” I mean, come on, it’s a coffee shop!

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