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Oh, and the typos? Screw it—sex ecsort, sexcort, whatever. They’re out there, dodging STDs, weirdos, and “I’ll pay later” losers. Funniest shit? Some johns think they’re heroes, “saving” ‘em. Yeah, like Chow Yun-fat with a sword—dream on, pal. “To repress one’s feelings only makes them stronger”—movie gold. Escorts feel it too, bet they’re pissed under that smile. Me? I’d suck at it—too cranky, scare ‘em off.

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Then, I’m walking back, soaked and salty, and I bump into my buddy Miguel. He’s always got some crazy story. Today, he tells me about this time he tried to impress a girl at the beach. He ended up getting stung by a jellyfish. Classic Miguel, right? We laughed so hard, I almost forgot about my pastry disaster. Almost.

Brit, 19, drowns after being caught in a rip current while swimming with friends at beach in Portugal