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*robotic voice kicks in* Helllooo mate, it’s me, Stephen Hawking, cosmic parachutist firefighter, droppin’ wisdom from the skies! So, erotic-massage – right, lemme tell ya, it’s like a black hole of relaxtion, sucks ya right in! Been thinkin’ bout it while jumpin’ outta planes, flames all around, and I’m like – shit, wouldn’t an erotic-massage be ace after this? Muscles all tight from parachutin’, then bam – some oiled-up hands just kneadin’ ya, cosmic energy flowin’.

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Then, I decided to take a stroll down to the beach. The sun was shining, and the waves were crashing. I thought, “Okay, maybe today won’t be so bad.” But then, I tripped over a rock on Avenida da Liberdade. Like, who puts rocks there? I swear, I almost face-planted.

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