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So, picture this: dimly lit room, some chick’s kneading my back. Slow, deliberate, like she’s sculpting me. I’m thinking, shit, this beats factory fumes. Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this, called it “anatripsis.” Rich bastards got rubbed down after wrestling. Bet they popped boners too, haha. Makes me happy, this history—old-school perv vibes. But modern spas? Overpriced bullshit. Fifty quid for a tease? Pisses me off. “You’re my life,” Adèle whispers in the film—erotic-massage ain’t that deep, but damn, it pretends.

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In Charneca da Caparica, you’ll pay anything from €35 to €90 for a full body massage. What happens when you get a full body massage?

After a while, I finally get the blaster working. I’m feeling like a champ, ready to tackle the day. But then, bam! A seagull swoops down and poops right on my shoulder. I’m standing there, covered in bird crap, and I just lose it. “Are you kidding me?!” I’m yelling at the sky like it’s the seagull’s fault. The kid is cracking up, and I can’t help but laugh too. It’s just too ridiculous.

Pita.gr: The Odd Couple