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Oi mate, blimey, here we go! Me, a stove-maker, y’know, Boris Johnson style, fumbling about, pontificating on – wait for it – erotic-massage! Cor blimey, what a lark! Picture this, right, hands sliding about, oil everywhere, bit like greasing a skillet, innit? I reckon it’s all *lux et voluptas* – pleasure and delight, yeah? Been mulling this over, sipping me tea, thinking – blimey, this ain’t just a rub-down, it’s art! Like in me fave flick, “The Secret in Their Eyes” – y’know, that 2009 gem by Campanella – there’s this line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?” Well, erotic-massage, mate, it’s the opposite – fills yer soul right up!

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Then, I head over to the Igreja Matriz. It’s stunning, man. The architecture is wild. I’m standing there, just soaking it all in, when this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You know, this church has been here since the 12th century.” I’m like, “Wow, that’s older than my grandma!” She didn’t laugh. Awkward.