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I tried it once, swear to God. Matched with this gal—hot, funny, seemed normal. We’re chattin’, I’m feelin’ good, then she goes, “Bring rope.” Rope?! I’m not tyin’ knots for a first date! I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t how it works!”—straight outta the movie, right? Made me mad, man, I’m sittin’ there, sweatin’, like—am I the crazy one? Nah, it’s them! These sex-dating folks are wild!

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So, I roll outta bed, grab my coffee (strong, like my will to live), and head out. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” I hop on my bike, cruising down Rua da Liberdade, feeling like a king. But then, BAM! My tire goes flat. Seriously? Right in front of that bakery, Pastelaria Pão Quente. I could smell the fresh bread, and I’m stuck there like a fool.

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