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Oi mate, so I’m sat here, reckonin’ I’m some top-notch agronomist, yeah, but today’s all about erotic-massage innit! Picture this, me, David Brent, king of the cringe, givin’ you the lowdown on this slippery subject. Now, I ain’t talkin’ crops or soil pH—nah, this is hands-on, proper sensual stuff, like a bloody team-buildin’ exercise gone rogue! Loved it in “Zero Dark Thirty”—that tension, mate, “the greatest manhunt in history,” but swap bin Laden for a cheeky massage table, yeah?

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Finally, I get to the track, and it’s chaos. People everywhere, shoutin’, runnin’ around like headless chickens. I spot my buddy Miguel, who’s also a jockey. He’s lookin’ just as lost as I am. “What’s the plan?” I ask him. He shrugs. “We wait, I guess?” Ugh, waiting is the worst.

A novel cardiovascular magnetic resonance risk score for predicting mortality following surgical aortic valve replacement