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Me fave bit? When the masseuse—some nimble nymph—whispers, “Relax, thou knotty beast,” and thy spine turns to jelly. Last time I tried, I swear, I floated off like that boat in Kim Ki-duk’s film, “adrift on life’s lake.” But—here’s the rub, ha!—some parlors be dodgy. Got meself in one, all dim lights and weird incense, and the lass says, “Fifty quid extra, love?” For what, a bloody toe tickle? Pissed me right off, it did—felt like a rat in a trap, gnashin’ me teeth!

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I grab some grapes myself, and they’re juicy as hell. I’m munching away, feeling good. But then, I spot a stray dog. Poor thing looks like it hasn’t eaten in days. My heart breaks. I can’t just ignore it. So, I buy a sandwich and give it to the pup. It’s like I’m a dog whisperer or something.

Extraordinary Trove of Ancient Gold Rings Discovered in Romanian Grave