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Little fact for ya—did ya know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were at it, callin’ it “body worship”—sounds posh, right? Bet they weren’t usin’ cheap-ass lotion from Tesco, though! Makes me happy thinkin’ of some toga-wearin’ geezer gettin’ oiled up, but I’m ragin’ when I see today’s lot butcherin’ it. Had this one bird—tattooed, all attitude—give me a rubdown so good I nearly cried, “Lord, give me strength!”—another Ida line, coz it felt holy, mate. Then some prat last week—hands like sandpaper, no rhythm—made me wanna shove his head in a blender!

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy João. He’s like, “Let’s hit the bar tonight!” I’m like, “Dude, I just had a day!” But then I think, “Why not?” So, I grab my stuff and head to the bar on Rua da Alegria.

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