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So, check it—yer on a table, dim lights, oil’s drippin’, and some pro’s kneadin’ ya like dough. Happy? Oh, I’m singin’ sea shanties! It’s all “quiet-like, deliberate,” like Jesse’s stare-downs in the movie. But here’s the kicker—didja know ancient Greeks did this? Yup, oily massages for warriors! Little factoid I dug up—makes me feel like a historian, arr!

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I plop down on a bench, and this lady next to me starts talking about her cat. I’m like, “Cool, but I don’t really care.” But she’s so into it, I can’t help but listen. Apparently, her cat has a better social life than I do.