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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson – deadpan, “I hate everything.” Sex-dating? What a damn mess. Buncha horny fools swipin’ right, left, whatever. Me? I’d rather carve wood than deal with that crap. But here’s the deal – it’s everywhere, like flies on a corpse. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, grindin’ my gears. People lookin’ for quick bangs, no class. Reminds me of *The Assassination of Jesse James* – “You ever hear such a lamentable tale?” All this sex-dating nonsense feels just as pitiful.

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After that, I decided to hit up El Viejo San Juan. You know, the colorful streets and all that jazz. I was wandering around, taking pics of the cute buildings. But then, I tripped over a cobblestone. Classic me, right? I fell right in front of a group of tourists. They laughed. I laughed too, but inside I was like, “Ugh, so embarrassing!”

San Juan man arrested at Falfurrias checkpoint with 105 pounds of meth