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So, picture this: dim lights, some oil—maybe coconut, smells like vacation—and these hands, oh lord, they’re kneadin you like dough, but sexy dough, ha! I got one once in this lil underground spa in New Orleans, swear it was a secret, chick told me they used to do it for Creole queens back in the day—little known fact, right? Made me feel like royalty, I was hollerin, “Yes, Lawd, YES!” Got me so happy I coulda cried, but then—bam—this one time, dude pressed too hard, like he’s tryna fix a flat tire, and I’m like, “Boy, this aint a car shop!” Made me mad as hell, I ain’t payin for that mess.

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But then, just as I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy inside, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some dude just knocked over a stack of old barrels. I’m like, “Dude, what the heck?” He’s all apologetic, but I’m ready to lose it. I mean, c’mon! Can’t a guy catch a break?

Figure 11. Daily Sun Newspaper front page covering weather event at the...