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So, check this—sex-dating’s got no chill. You’re scrollin, seein profiles, some chick’s like, “I’m a freak,” and you’re like, “Cool, me too!” Next thing, you’re meetin up, heart poundin, palms sweaty—will it be dope or a total flop? I read this stat once, blew my mind—70% of Tinder dates end in sex within three meets. THREE! That’s nuts, right? Lil Zé vibes—fast, ruthless, takin what’s his. Made me happy as hell—people out there livin, not just dreamin.

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Finally, I get to the bar, and it’s already packed. I mean, who knew Luquillo could be this busy on a weekday? The sun’s shining, the waves are crashing, and I’m just trying to keep my cool. But then, my bartender, Carlos, spills a whole tray of piña coladas. Like, seriously? I could feel my blood boiling. I mean, those drinks are like liquid gold!

(a) The Luquillo Experimental Forest, located in northeastern Puerto...