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But oooh, the dodgy ones—sketchy parlors, stinky oils, ughhh! Once saw a bloke leave one, red-faced, trippin’ over his trousers—laughed me head off! “You’re a bleedin’ miracle, Theo!”—nah, just a fool, ha! Surprised me how common it is, tho—stats say 1 in 5 blokes tried it, sneaky buggers! Me? Nah, too paranoid—germs, weirdos, “No fags left, mate!”—I’d rather watch Cuarón’s gritty streets than risk it.

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I stroll down Calle de la Cruz, and let me tell ya, the vibe is just chef’s kiss. Aibonito’s got this charm, man. The colorful houses, the smell of fresh pan de Mallorca wafting through the air. I’m practically drooling. But then, I see this old dude trying to cross the street. He’s moving slower than molasses. I’m like, “C’mon, man! We got places to be!”

Does Trump know that Puerto Ricans are American citizens?