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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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I get to my place, and sure enough, my sheep are just chillin’ in the neighbor’s yard. Like, really? You guys couldn’t stay put? I’m chasin’ them around like a madman. “Get back here!” I’m yellin’.

The Devastation in Puerto Rico, as Seen From Above (Published 2017)