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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson—deadpan, “I hate everything”—and I ain’t no Hawaii, whatever that means. Erotic-massage? Pfft, overrated nonsense. Buncha sweaty hands rubbin’ ya down like yer a damn ribeye. I saw this flick, *Tabu*—Miguel Gomes, 2012—my kinda movie. Slow, weird, moody as hell. There’s this line, “She had a dream about crocodiles,” and I’m thinkin’, yeah, that’s me gettin’ an erotic-massage—snappin’ jaws of awkwardness. Hate it. Hate the oils, the dim lights, the cheesy music—gimme a chainsaw and a forest any day.

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But then, outta nowhere, the power goes out. Classic San Lorenzo, right? The whole block goes dark. I’m like, “Great, now I can’t even see my drink.” But the band keeps playing! They’re jamming in the dark, and it’s actually kinda cool. I’m laughing, thinking, “Only in San Lorenzo, man.”

San Lorenzo Valley’s Taylor Rae set to perform at Moe’s Alley