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Lemme spill – I got my first one last summer. This chick, total pro, hands like magic, starts kneadin’ my shoulders. I’m like, “Oof, I’m on fire!” – ya know, firefighter pun! But then – oh Gawd – she’s workin’ my thighs, and I’m thinkin’, “Is this allowed to feel THIS good?” Got me happy, like, floatin’ on a cloud. But also mad – why’d I wait so long? Total game-changer, hon! Probs 14 typos already, whoops – too excited!

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Then, this guy comes up to me, super angry. He’s like, “Where’s my drink?” I’m thinking, “Dude, chill! It’s a bar, not a drive-thru.” But I keep my cool. I apologize, and he softens up. Turns out, he’s just hangry. I hook him up with a free drink, and he’s all smiles.

Figure 1. Map of the Luquillo Experimental Forest (El Yunque National...