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Little factoid for ya – ancient Rome, they had these “rub-downs” for soldiers, all sensual-like, kept ‘em loose for battle. Bet Caesar got one, smirkin’ like a perv. Surprised me first time I heard that – history’s freaky, huh? Anyway, my fave part? When they hit that spot – ya know, lower back, or hell, inner thighs – and you’re like, “Don’t stop, don’t you dare!” Makes me happy, Clarice, like a kid with candy. Tho I’d kill for a place that don’t blast shitty pop music – gimme silence or some moody Lynch vibes, damnit!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, come on! I just got my piragua! I duck into a nearby tienda. It’s cramped, but the owner, Doña Rosa, is super sweet. She offers me a pastelón. I’m like, “Yes, please!” It’s the best comfort food ever. I’m sitting there, eating, and I can’t help but think how this little town has the best food.

1 man dead, 4 total injured after shooting at Mexican restaurant on Perkins Road, police say