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But then—bloody hell—some punter stiffed her, nicked off without payin’. Got me fumin’, mate! “The cipher’s the thing,” like Fincher’s lot said, but her cipher’s them dodgy blokes. Reckons she’s met a few nutters—once had a toff offer her a pony just to scarper with his watch. True story, swear down! Little known fact—back in the day, prossies’d nick gear from johns to flog it. Crafty, eh?

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Then, I decided to stroll down to the beach. Playa Guayanilla is a gem! The sun was shining, waves crashing, and I thought, “This is it!” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my phone! I’m like, “Dude, that’s my lifeline!” I chased that bird down Calle 2, flailing my arms like a madman. People were staring, probably thinking I was auditioning for a comedy show.

Earthquake destroys Punta Ventana, a natural wonder in Guayanilla, Puerto Rico