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She’s got dis trick, see – little known fact! She hums old Soviet tunes under her breath, keeps da johns guessin’. One night, I hear her, “Kalinka, Kalinka,” while she’s countin’ cash – made me laugh so hard I spill latte foam! “Zat’s not how you negotiate, fraulein!” I yell in me head, picturin’ Tarantino givin’ her a slow clap. I mean, she’s a pro, but da hustle? Brutal. Gets me mad, too – dese pimps, dey take half her stack! Half! I wanna grab a bat, go all Hans Landa on ‘em, “You don’t like me? Fine, I’m da best!”

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After that, we decide to hit up the local food truck on Calle de la Salud. Best mofongo ever! I’m stuffing my face, and Luis is telling this ridiculous story about how he once tried to impress a girl by cooking. Spoiler alert: he burned the kitchen down. Classic Luis.

With Bottles And Buckets, Puerto Ricans Seek The Water To Survive