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Little fact for ya—Japan’s got this thing, “nuru massage,” slimy seaweed gel, fuckin’ wild! Slippin’ and slidin’ like penguins, hilarious but hot, man. Say hello to my little friend! I’m tellin’ ya, it’s a trip—gets you all worked up, then bam, chills you out. I’m obsessed, bro, can’t lie. Sometimes I’m dreamin’ bout it, hearin’ Almodóvar whisperin’, “She’s alive in my hands.” Fuckin’ poetic, right? You gotta try it, don’t be a pussy—life’s too short!

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But then, I trip. Like, full-on faceplant. Everyone laughs. I’m laughing too, but inside, I’m like, “Why, universe? Why?” But hey, it’s Aguas-Buenas. You gotta roll with it.

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